In a world where what wreaks havoc and tear most relationships apart is infidelity, it’s essential that you learn the 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse so that you can make the best decision out of the situation.
Questions are one of the greatest weapons we all have at disposal. However, the quality of the questions you ask is what makes the difference.
In this article, we will first talk about the questions you should ask yourself before doing anything. Then, about the 10 questions that you should ask your unfaithful spouse.
Finally, we’ll explore the 3 biggest reasons that make people cheat. This might be the most valuable insights that you will get out of this article, so pay attention.
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THE KEY TO GETTING THE RIGHT ANSWERS
First and foremost, before doing anything else, you need to understand and utilize one fundamental key:
The state you’re in will determine the answers that you’ll get. Therefore, the first thing you need to do is to change it!
How can you expect to come up with good answers if you feel like lashing out at whomever might have the unfortunate experience to be around you at this moment?
In the same way, you won’t get any viable solution about the problem if what you do is yelling your questions at your spouse and expecting them to feel lousy for what they did.
In other words, the first step you need to take is to change your emotional state.
HOW TO MANAGE YOUR STATE IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES
Finding out that your partner has cheated on you can be quite a shock. Under such circumstances, how are you supposed to remain calm and rational? The truth is that it takes enormous courage and strength to be able to pull that off. However, everyone has the ability to do so.
It doesn’t mean that you can get over it and forget this painful experience in 5 minutes and never think about it again. Rather, this is about managing your state at the present moment to get the most out of the communication with your spouse.
As long as you can find the inner strength to be able to do that, you are on your way to mastering your emotions and increase the quality of your life.
Here are two simple ways to change your state anytime:
1 – Change Your Physiology
Your emotions influence your demeanor as much as your behavior shapes your emotion.
The quickest way that you can feel any emotion – whether it is sad and depressed, or happy and cheerful – is to change how you move your body.
Our brains associate certain patterns with specific emotional states: how do you move when you feel hopeful, passionate, grateful, happy, cheerful.. ?
Here is a quick way to radically change the way you feel: stand up, and as you smile and look up, make fast and strong gestures that indicates passion, excitement and enthusiasm. Tune into your breath and break your pattern once again: start breathing as if you were totally excited!
Make a radical shift in any aspect of your body that you can think of: tonality of the voice, volume and pace at which you speak, breathing, posture…
This alone has the power to transform you and go from being to a disempowering, unresourceful lousy state to a state of power and strength.
2 – Change Your Focus
Another key element when it comes to managing your state is changing your focus. After all, what good does it do to be physically strong if your mind remains weakened?
The primary reason why you feel so lousy at the moment is because of the rule and the trust that you think your spouse has violated and broken: in short, you feel a sense of loss and betrayal.
The fact of the matter is that there are many ways to deal with this challenge. For instance, one way would be to turn this event into a positive one which will instantly change how you feel. It’s called reframing: this is how the most seemingly unfortunate of us became the happiest.
Some people like to turn painful memories into weird, fun ones by using this particular method that do wonders. You can find out exactly step-by-step how to get rid of any negative emotion using this technique by CLICKING HERE.
In this article we will focus on the most common and basic form of changing the focus. Concentrating on what makes us feel good and empowered instead of lousy and disempowered.
As described in the introduction, questions are the human mind’s greatest weapon. They have the ability to change your focus – and so your life – in a heartbeat.
Any emotion that we feel is nothing but the result of how you’ve answered a specific question in your mind. In fact, this very same question made you feel lousy when you learned the truth about your spouse!
Subconsciously, ‘’What does this mean?’’ was the question you asked yourself, and which triggered a storm of negative emotions. The reality is that you felt ‘’cheated, horrible, like you lost something of value, miserable, angry, disempowered..’’, which resulted in a disempowering state. Those are the unconscious answers your mind came up with.
In other words, consciously and proactively asking yourself certain questions will automatically trigger certain emotions!
CAVEAT: Oftentimes, people mistake the act of doing something with effectively doing it. Asking yourself questions is good, but playing along is better. Although your brain might not want to focus on this, force it to until it instinctively takes the bait. Questions hook the mind. Don’t just ‘’use a gimmick’’, but get genuinely interested in the process of changing your state.
Below are some questions you can ask yourself that will instantly change the way you feel. Don’t hesitate to make your own questions based on what you know makes you feel good.
- What do I love about my life?
- What is my passion in life?
- Who do I look up to?
- What do I love about myself?
- What am I grateful for?
Once again, play along and try to expand on your answers. For instance, what do you love about your life and why? How does that make you feel? When was the last time you really enjoyed yourself?
Make sure that you elicit positive emotions and see how that changes your state.
TOP 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE
As critical as it is to get answers from them, it’s even more important that you first answer some questions yourself. Your answers will serve as the foundation of your whole life.
Before you move on to the next part and ask your unfaithful spouse the 10 questions, you need to get a clear answer on these questions and write them down on a piece of paper so that you know the purpose of confronting your spouse about what happened.
1 – What Do I Want From This Relationship?
The truth is that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships: everyone wants something different out of it.
Are you looking for a partner that will support you in your career/mission and do the housework, or somebody that has his own goals and dreams? Do you want to be with someone that will provide for you, or someone as ambitious as you are?
It’s a priority that you get some clarity first in order to effectively communicate your needs or to make sure that you are still compatible with your spouse.
2 – What Is My Ideal Partner?
Cheating isn’t probably a trait high on the list, but you still need to know if it’s even worth it to pursue the relationship in the first place. Sometimes, couples simply grow apart and don’t go in the same direction anymore.
Are they still the person you fell in love with?
3- What Is My Vision?
As touched on above, couples who don’t grow together inevitably grow apart. Many people don’t know their purpose in life even though it’s critical – this determines where you’ll put your focus on, and hence, your behavior!
Find out what you truly want in life.
4 – What Are My Core Beliefs And Values?
Each time you find yourself hitting a wall and facing a major challenge, you will always go back to your core beliefs and values. Even if you don’t know them. These are what drive us on a daily basis and have been shaped by our previous experiences as well as the people we most often spent time with.
Whether betrayal is at the top or the bottom of one’s core values will dictate their behavior.
Take some time and write down what shaped you as a person. This will help you get more clarity for the next questions.
5 – What Are My Most Important Needs?
According to Tony Robbins, all human beings have 6 needs that must be met on an ongoing basis for any relationship to thrive.
The first need is that of certainty. Do you need to feel safe and secure at all times in order to feel good? Do you need to be certain that your partner loves you every single day?
Next comes the need of uncertainty, which is the exact opposite. Are you driven by surprises and thrill? As you can imagine, someone whose most important need is certainty will act very differently and make completely different decisions than someone who is driven by uncertainty.
The third need is about significance. Do you need to feel special all the time in order for you to feel good? Significant people love to be praised and feel important, everything they do is out of this need.
If nothing has struck a chord with you yet, then your primary need may be that of love & connection. People operating from this need are looking to connect with people in whatever way that they possibly can: friendship, romance..
Then comes the last two needs which are for spiritual purposes: contribution and growth. Do you need to contribute to feel alive? Do you need to feel a sense of growth and that things are moving the way you want them to be?
Once you get clear on that, you’ll know better how to improve the dynamic of your relationship and how this can affect it.
6 – What Are My Rules?
All of us have rules that determine how we feel at anytime regarding different aspects of life based on our upbringing and many other factors. These rules act as anchors and trigger specific emotions when our rules get violated.
Most rules are structured in this way: ‘’If (one does something), then.. (it means this).’’
For example, one of your rules might say that ‘’If someone don’t talk to me for more than two days, then it means that they’re not my friends.’’
You need to discover what your rules about relationships are in order to effectively deal with the infidelity of your spouse.
Interestingly, the definition on cheating might be different depending on the individual!
For some people, the act of even talking to the opposite sex is considered cheating and will inevitably trigger negative emotions. Is that your case?
Do you have rules that may have caused your spouse to cheat on you? In order to find that out, simply fill the blanks: ‘’If my spouse… then it means that..’’
7 – What Am I Willing To Tolerate?
Some of our rules are deal-breakers, you need to find them in order to define your boundaries. Does cheating instantly mean the end of your relationship or is it a challenge that can be overcame?
In what circumstances will you accept to move on and pursue your relationship with them and what will definitely end the relationship in the future?
8 – What Am I Willing To Change?
Unfortunately, a big reason why people cheat on each other is simply because something needed from someone’s perspective to change but didn’t. Before you even have a conversation with your spouse about it, you need to first find areas of your life and decisions that you are willing to change if needed..
Are you willing to move out, or change your job? Are you willing to have kids, or to work on managing your emotions better?
9 – What Decision Needs To Be Taken?
After answering all the previous questions, you should have a clear idea as to whether or not you wish to pursue the relationship by now. It’s time for you to make a decision.
If you decide to move forward, then what decision should you take in order to make sure this doesn’t happen again?
Decisions are what separate successful relationships from relationships that don’t work.
10 – How Can I Make Communication More Effective?
You’ve decided to give it a try and communicate with your partner once more to make sure if they’re still committed? Great. Now is the perfect time to reflect on what you can do to make sure that you’ll have the best quality communication that you can imagine.
For instance, as hard as it may be, not getting angry and resentful could be the first step. Not blaming them and taking full responsibility could change the entire dynamic as well. By acknowledging that you failed to meet one of their needs, then they will be more likely to open up and tell you what’s really going on.
What else could you do to make sure that you two have the conversation that you both really need?
TOP 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE
Every question up until now have been designed to get you in the most resourceful state possible. This will translate to asking better questions and receiving better answers.
In other words, the purpose of the following questions is to get the best answers possible which will determine if the relationship should be put to an end.
No matter the outcome, you’ll have something to gain. Whether it be valuable lessons from what they will tell you, or your gain your relationship back.
4 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE TO TEST THEIR COMMITMENT
First, you need to know whether or not they intend to stay in this relationship in the first place. The following four questions to ask your unfaithful spouse have been designed to find that out.
1- Do you have feelings for them?
A lot of times, people get distracted because they feel weak which results in them cheating. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they have feelings for the said person, however.
Even if your spouse admits that they do, there is still a possibility that the relationship might get through this tough stage. There are times when some people fall in love with two different persons.
If your partner is committed enough to this relationship, they will eventually get over it. This is what makes the next questions so important.
2- Do you still love me?
Obviously, there is only one answer that you should expect in order to get the relationship back on track: a definitive, clear ‘’yes’’.
However, even if you find out that they don’t, you can skip the next two questions and ask the ‘4 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse to learn from this experience’. This will allow you to learn from your mistakes and extract value out of this experience to make your next relationship better.
In the case where they still do love you, move on to the next question.
3- Are you still committed to this relationship?
Loving somebody doesn’t necessarily mean that they are committed to this person. In the same way, being committed in the past doesn’t make you committed in the future.
Find out whether or not they still consider a future with you, in which case you can ask the last question.
4- How do you feel about what happened?
The purpose of this question isn’t to make them feel bad although most people would want to, simply because it won’t solve the issue. If they truly regret what they did, they will automatically feel bad, anyway.
Don’t take their word for it, look at their body language. Do they truly regret it or do they just pretend to? This alone will teach you a lot regarding how it makes them feel.
3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE TO LEARN FROM THIS EXPERIENCE
The previous questions allowed you to understand whether or not they were fully committed to you. It’s now time to learn from this experience and extract as much value as possible. By doing so, you will set yourself up for success no matter what happens.
5- What couldn’t I give you that they could?
Cheating doesn’t happen out of the blue without reason; it’s usually the result of months or years of lack. Lack of love, lack of intimacy, lack of passion, lack of communication… there are many possible causes and it’s up to you to find that out.
In order to get a deeper understanding of this, refer to Tony Robbin’s 6 human needs: what are your partner’s top 2 needs and did you fail to meet them?
Certainty – too certain and predictable, or not enough.
Uncertainty – Not enough surprise and variety
Significance – Failure to make them feel special
Love & Connection – Bad communication, lack of passion
Growth – No growth in the relationship
Contribution – Too self-centered instead of giving unconditionally
6- Why didn’t you clearly communicate your needs to me?
You may gain very valuable insights from this question: did something stop them from telling you how they felt, or did you just not listen to them carefully enough?
No matter what it is, you need to find your flaws and take ownership for them: assuming responsibility gives you the power to change. Rejecting it makes you a victim which you cannot change.
7- What do you think we should have done better?
A relationship isn’t about you or them, it’s about both of you. By asking your unfaithful spouse this question, you may find a perspective or angle that you couldn’t think of before regarding this issue.
Reflecting on your mistakes allows you not to repeat them in the future.
3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE TO IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP IN THE FUTURE
Did you get a strong and determined commitment from them? Great! You can now move on to the last part and insure that your relationship keeps getting better and better as you gradually rebuild trust in the relationship.
8- Are you willing to make some changes?
Some changes need to happen, otherwise you wouldn’t have gone through this challenge.
Needless to say, both parties need to work on themselves in order not to repeat the previous mistakes.
However, you need to make sure that your partner is willing to do the work if you are. There is no point in working harder on yourself not to make the same errors if your spouse decides to take it easy.
9 – How are you going to make sure this doesn’t happen again?
Once you are ready to improve yourself as well, you need him to convince you that it won’t happen again.
This works as a great psychological trick. People are more likely to follow through on answers and ideas that come from them.
10- How do you think we could improve our relationship?
Let him give you his own perspective on how the relationship should be and see if you can come to an agreement. Once again, your spouse is more likely to act on their ideas than yours. In either case, don’t hesitate to share your ideas as well and work on rebuilding your relationship!
10 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE – SUMMARY
In this article, you have learned the 10 questions you should ask yourself before you even consider asking your unfaithful spouse. Then, you were taught the 10 questions to directly ask your unfaithful spouse.
They were divided into 3 categories: commitment, learning, and improvement.
Not only that, but you’ve also realized the importance of state and how it can dictate the answers you’ll get from both you and your partner.
Hopefully, you got a better understanding at the dynamics of a strong relationship by now and are going to use it to make your relationship thrive from now on.
Let’s explore the 3 biggest reasons that make people cheat on their spouse so that you never have to go through this tough experience ever again:
10 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE – 3 REASONS WHY PEOPLE CHEAT
1 – Lack Of Commitment
Some people have a hard time with commitments which makes it even harder to commit fully to a relationship. It’s worth noting as well that just because they committed to you years ago doesn’t mean that they are still committed to you today.
It’s critical that you check-in on a regular basis both your and your partner’s level of commitment so that your love keeps growing.
2 – Needs Not Being Met
Checking in your levels of commitment isn’t enough; you must constantly evaluate your needs as well. Once again, refer to the six human needs: certainty, uncertainty, significance, love & connection, growth and contribution.
Having a morning ritual that can allow you to put yourself in a peak state is far from all you need to do to ensure a long-lasting, healthy relationship. Weekly or bi-weekly rituals for your relationships are very important as well. They allow you to keep track of the progress your relationship make, or the challenges that you face.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t solve problems if you don’t even know they exist in the first place! In other words, the priority is to kill the monster while it’s small.
3 – Sabotage The Relationship
There are two kinds of sabotage: unconscious self-sabotage and conscious sabotage.
Unconscious self-sabotage happens when your brain had so much pain in the past about relationships, that it links tremendous pain to relationships. Therefore, your brain will at some point try to sabotage the relationship so that you don’t have to go through the same past experiences again, fearing that pain will come sooner or later.
Conscious sabotage refers to the act of actively sabotaging the relationship in order to indirectly put an end to it.
Either way, it requires some actions from one of the spouse to uncover the underlying issue. It can be reassuring them in one case (unconscious self-sabotage), or finding why they want to get out of the relationship in the first place and solving the problem in another (conscious sabotage.)
10 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE – CONCLUSION
Going through this experience is a terrible challenge that not only requires strength but also a tremendous amount of faith. These 10 questions were designed in order for you to get the best answers out of your spouse so that you can turn this situation in a success no matter what happens.
The fact of the matter is that in some cases infidelity can make couples stronger than they ever were.
Do you want to discover the 7 habits that made me happier, more productive and more fulfilled as well as the 10 habits that most people have that destroy their lives? CLICK HERE to get access to my guides for FREE.